Define: Truth
Define: Reality
Define: Time
Define: Self
What you do -right?- is you keep your eyes straight ahead. You nod, but you turn for no one.
What you do -right?- is you think straight. Be straight. Like an arrow.
You don’t go and open yourself up like a fucking operation doll for people to grope around inside; fishing for your funny bone, your butterflies OR your broken heart.
Your nose will light up!
cavity sam - BEWARE! it could be you!
And then you’re in sooo much trouble buddy… They may even get your bread basket!
We are broken instruments
Burst wide open, smashed and bent
Not what you’d expect from these city streets
Who serves to protect the orchestra in me?
Conductor! Conductor! I feel electricity
Conductor! Conductor! Can you bring out the song in me?
(Saul Williams brings out the song in you)
Can’t ask for more so why unfulfilled
We take apart everthing we build
Had it right here but now it’s gone
On and on
Break
(Fucked Up, Got Ambushed, Zipped In)
Do you stay awake because you have things to do or because you’re afraid you’ll never wake up again?
I… I don’t…
Do you see that pool of water, right before you?
I…
Well? Do you?
I don’t know if I do. I don’t know if I want to.
I just want to avoid looking at my imperfections on its surface.
It reminds me why I’ve always avoided mirrors. (“Never get caught between two mirrors. It will empower you yet steal from you.”)
Is it really true? That me? Am I holding the glass bowl that has me in it?
Nobody’s going to tell you the truth.
Nobody’s going to breathe you in.
Nobody’s going to want to eat you whole.
Your hardest bits will always get chucked out. Your flesh will be bitten, half digested, half spit out. Never whole.
Nobody’s ever going to want you whole.
What better to celebrate my 7th 10-piece installment than a Reznor song? He knows how to cheer me up:
And it’s happening
Never planned on this
You got something I need
Kind of dangerous
And I’m losing control
I’m not used to this
What you want from me
I’m not used to this
Can’t seem to shut it off
This thing I’ve begun
And it’s hard to tell
Just where it’s coming from
And it’s hard to see
What I’m capable of
And it’s hard to believe
Just, what I’ve become
Hey
Can we stop?
Me, I’m not
I can swallow it down
Keep it all inside
I define myself
By how well I hide
Feel it coming apart
Well, at least I tried
I can win this war
By knowing not to fight
If I take it all back
Someway, somehow
If I knew back then
What I know right now
Hey
Can we stop?
Me, I’m not
NIN
How the fuck did this fucker know? How did he know that me, I was not?…
Wasn’t it? Was it? Now I’m confused.
I keep asking myself over and over since last night; did I know?
Just talking about it, given all this space between then and now… it just makes me feel like a giant pile of rhino crap.
Meh…
Lapsing again…
My non-linear memory and existence run around in circles.
I’m trying hard to remember what it was like. Back then. Before everything else.
Was it like this? Was it a whole different thing? Was it a once in a lifetime thing?
I’m trying hard to remember. Did he hold me? Was I craving safety and a sense of belonging? Was it that bad? Does the distance make it any different?
I can’t but think that it was all in my head.
And what a fucked up head I have…
I’m fighting every war at once and I’m winning.
You can’t think of me as you did in the beginning.
By the time you hear this song you’ve gone wrong. Caught in the labyrinths of time, in your mind. Unlearn. Unwind. But, not to worry, there is no hurry. “Come unto me”, says She. “You’ve been polluted, uprooted by Time. You have been muted, computed; but I’m a living vessel of the One, of the Moon, of the Sun. Come.“
Hey! You ain’t as dead as you seem (WTF?!) Hey! But you keep living your lies. Hey! Your life’s a bore but you dream. Bring yourself to be yourself tonight.
I see evidence in how you hold your head. And I see evidence in how you say what’s said. I see it in your eyes, that you’ve been hypnotized. “You’ve been polluted, uprooted by Time. You have been muted, computed; but I’m a living vessel of the One, of the Moon, of the Sun.”
Hey! You ain’t as dead as you seem (WTF?!) Hey! But you keep living your lies. Hey! Your life’s a bore but you dream. Bring yourself to be yourself tonight.
Bring yourself to be yourself…
Saul Williams – WTF!?
It’s been quite some time since I first started the blog. It has served its purpose and beyond. My little venting spot.
I’ve been feeling better and better over the last month. Things are working out (as they usually do).
Yesterday I got attacked by a sudden wave of sadness when I thought about my ex. I was having such a rockin’ time for days on end, and suddenly I felt so sad that he’s not having a good time too. His image came to my mind, followed by the NIN song “Every Day Is Exactly The Same”…
I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
(…)
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
(…)
I know it wasn’t guilt – cause his life is shaped by his own choices. It was just… sadness.
I’m thankful to be having a good time. I’m thankful to everyone who’s helped me and is helping me (no, I’m not going to go full “oscar-acceptance-speech” mode ;P).
I keep coming back here time after time. Reading what has been scribbled down here. So, yes, I really AM happy to report that… shitty stuff ALWAYS go away. We are built to evolve. We are built to overcome.
Fuck drama.
